Drained Pained

This is a journal entry I actually did a while ago in my Furry Red Journal and want to include as a point of reflection. I am spending today knitting and dreamscaping some paintings and not quite ready to share all my drawings and works as I thought I would be right now. It has been a long slow tiring week dealing with a 12 year debacle.

This is a quick sketch I did of Danny as we coffee together in Busselton. I wanted to include it as sometimes he can really annoy me as any friend, partner or family member can. However he is someone who has helped me through some of the hardest experiences and helps me to heal in a more mature and nurturing journey rather than the violent way I used to try and deal with the pain, hurt.. life. This man is my ink to my drawing, paint to my painting, an inspirational pixie that flames my energy. Without him I would not of made it through this week.


The tiny sketch in the space that looks like Danny is looking at, is a small study of my dog Tilly's eye while she was asleep. It is like a drop of peace in the sky of my page. A reminder to sleep and relax when all you want to do is light up a cigarette and smoke your worries away when in actual fact that doesn't happen, it just takes another smelly few minutes of procrastinaton and health, slowing the journey a little. A quick nana nap or meditative knitting spurt is far healthier and I smell like orang blossom rather than porty tobacco. 

Drained for a fresh drawing, 
Pained to include today,
Stumbling through the thick mud

My Furry Red Journal

I am out of sorts and imaginings today as I want to curl up into the zen like dreaming position my puppy Tilly does as I drew her asleep. To withdraw from the world, to leave the world, to not have to fight anymore, to not have to write anymore, to not have to speak to anyone anymore, to not have to look after myself or anyone else anymore, to not have to wear the mask of 'pretty good' as I comment to the every day question of 'how are you'. 'How are you' I'd love to just turn around and say 'fucken sheit actually, wanna jump in my body and see what life is really like for me, want to experience the pain that shoots through my body every fucken minute of the every fucken second of every fucken molecule that pounds brick particles around my stream of spirit, body and all being, wanna see the imagery i have experienced of raw abuse and brutality?! Yes, How the fuck are you?' Good thanks, bit overcast, have a good day then.

I must apologise for my language and anger, a life trying to live a non violent existance yet is it really possible when you want to just carve your own body into pieces. Don't worry I am stable and will not harm myself as I once did in my temperamental gothic days. I just think about it, the imaginings are brutal enough for now and well that is what this blog is, my healing place other than my journal. I did say this was going to be raw and I've decided I will not hold back either. Well that is a lie just there, I am not going to be red raw, just a purple raw! Otherwise you will want to send the white coats in and that won't help me. That will just numb me, shut me up. Sedate me. No, here I am , unable to draw or paint, just stare at my red furry journal and dream about drawing and not being in pain, hurt, wanting to escape. I must escape  into drawing, I will try to draw, yes, please come back later and see what I have created today, I will try to draw in my furry red journal. After all it is an inviting furry red journal, wanting to taste the ink from my pens, devouring up and displaying my handiwork pumped from my veins of expression.

Lawyer interupts again, deal with it

Tilly DreamScape 1

This drawing is of my puppy Tilly, I want to sleep all cosey, not a care in the world, a scape of imagination

Compost piece

Previous warning of the bad with the good is this piece I drew while on the phone to my psychologist this morning. It is an ugly hour of scribbling while trying to be open and listening with my psychologist yet not wanting to be present anymore. The question arises of, 'quick don't include it' and go do a 'real' drawing that someone might want to actually look at as I sure don't.

However I learnt from a wise man that you need compost with the rain and sun for beautiful plants to grow, in otherwords all my crap and muddy dwelling stuff is part of the whole process, so here it is, I'm not hiding it under the carpet. i am hoping now tho to go and do some 'real' drawing that I enjoy or hopefully get the paint on the canvas rather than just look at it dreamscaping a painting on it.

I will use depression and anger and sense of hopelessness as fuel for art, where hopefully the compost will turn shabby seeds into beautiful plants

Sketch one

Sally and Dave converse over a pot of peppermint tea at Cafe 140


Whilst having a cuppa with two friends I decided I just had to get over myself and my fear of 'can't draw' and scribble away. 'Can't draw' you say, looks like a drawing to me. Yes it is a drawing, however if you saw these two friends in real life it is not a picture perfect representation of them. Ahh yes logical brain intercepts , I know I know it doesn't have to be ,that is what photos are for, yet my perfectionist streak of how things should be done, percieved and created are at war with my inner child and freedom to expressively draw without control form the dark abyss of my procrastinating fearful mind. 

I immerse into the seaweed & enjoy the cleansing of it's prickly touch. 

Prolonging my inner child

Here starteth my first blog and my first smashing of fear as I tip-toe into the realm of this cyberscape and relinquish my thirst for creativity and achieving a renewal in my desire for artscaping. This blog 'DreamScapes' is my journey through the daily trampling through the seaweed and hopefully out into the clear water of the oceanscape which is my life.

'Scapes' you may wonder as to my words throughout my journey. I love to dream, draw, write and paint LandSCAPES, SeaSCAPES and all sorts of scapes that are apart of my whole soul. It will be a raw canvas of my self and I warn may have dramatic epilogues of anger, fear, joy, love, peace and all the usual meanderings of a temperamental artist trying to breathe, heal and grow from the journey so far and into a continous creative, healing and energized life. It may also have completely unrealistic dreams, aspirations and dead boring scribbles, however I welcome you to be apart of my journey. As it is through the walking alongside friends, sisters, brothers and my God that I am able to keep journeying.

I hope to write, draw, paint and create something new each day, exploring and practicing my arts. For now I will be focusing on a 12 week journey as I endeavour a few goals ahead of me in timing for my 30th Birthday.

the art of the moment
dreamscaping