My Furry Red Journal

I am out of sorts and imaginings today as I want to curl up into the zen like dreaming position my puppy Tilly does as I drew her asleep. To withdraw from the world, to leave the world, to not have to fight anymore, to not have to write anymore, to not have to speak to anyone anymore, to not have to look after myself or anyone else anymore, to not have to wear the mask of 'pretty good' as I comment to the every day question of 'how are you'. 'How are you' I'd love to just turn around and say 'fucken sheit actually, wanna jump in my body and see what life is really like for me, want to experience the pain that shoots through my body every fucken minute of the every fucken second of every fucken molecule that pounds brick particles around my stream of spirit, body and all being, wanna see the imagery i have experienced of raw abuse and brutality?! Yes, How the fuck are you?' Good thanks, bit overcast, have a good day then.

I must apologise for my language and anger, a life trying to live a non violent existance yet is it really possible when you want to just carve your own body into pieces. Don't worry I am stable and will not harm myself as I once did in my temperamental gothic days. I just think about it, the imaginings are brutal enough for now and well that is what this blog is, my healing place other than my journal. I did say this was going to be raw and I've decided I will not hold back either. Well that is a lie just there, I am not going to be red raw, just a purple raw! Otherwise you will want to send the white coats in and that won't help me. That will just numb me, shut me up. Sedate me. No, here I am , unable to draw or paint, just stare at my red furry journal and dream about drawing and not being in pain, hurt, wanting to escape. I must escape  into drawing, I will try to draw, yes, please come back later and see what I have created today, I will try to draw in my furry red journal. After all it is an inviting furry red journal, wanting to taste the ink from my pens, devouring up and displaying my handiwork pumped from my veins of expression.

Lawyer interupts again, deal with it